Love or Truth

MOVED

2009-07-28T17:45:55Z

Moved to flyingcake.wordpress.com! :)

colorstyle @ 2007-06-26T11:49:00

2007-06-26T03:52:44Z

I'm tired and sick of everything. I'm tired of Lewis torturing me emotionally... I'm sick of people telling me he's not the one. You know how tired I feel? I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to talk to anyone anymore. Since they all tell me the same thing. I'm tired of disagreeing... I'm tired of reasoning, I don't want to hear words like "I'll be there for you"... I DONT WANT ANYTHING. Let me be miserable. I've tried every single possible method to make Lewis love me like how he used to. nothing works, nothing ever does, all i recieve is mroe pain. But why? Why am I still so crazy over him? I think of him so much it hurts. This is the time when I can safely say, no one understands me...

colorstyle @ 2007-06-07T23:21:00

2007-06-07T15:35:07Z

Is it okay to feel jealous when your boyfriend treats his friends better then he treats you?

Is it okay to feel a little sad when your boyfriend doesn't want to see you after 1 whole week of not meeting each other, because he doesn't see the need to?

Is it normal to hurt yourself physically to hide your pain. Can you stop yourself from crying because he asks you "what the fuck you want from me?" everyday?

Is it okay to feel sad when he doesn't tell you what he is doing, where he is going because "there is no need to, I assume you know".

Is it okay to let him throw vulgarities at you "don't know what he is doing" and he thinks you do.

Is it okay to breakdown when you need a shoulder to cry on, and he tells you, "Find another boy, I don't have the time for your bullshit" or "Will you stop fucking irritate me with your crying"

Can I still hold on to the hope that he'll wish me good night every night before I sleep. Can I call him when I feel bored? Can I call him and tell him "Good night I love you forever" without him hanging up on me and then sms me, "Why you call for? I don't understand why say good nigh also must call." Then, I'll sms him sadly, "Gd night, love you forever" and never receive a reply. Then the next morning, I'll always hope that I'll wake up to a sms, "Good morning laopo", but it has never happened. Can I keep on wishing?

Yes... it's just part of being "romantic" that I wish of him. Even if... even if he can't even sms me good night or good morning, can he tell me what he is doing? Can he tell me whenever he goes out, "I'm going out", instead of me waiting at msn for his reply when he's actually already outside with his friends or something. He makes me worry so much.

My friends always ask me... how can I endure such a person and not blow up. How can I have infinite patience when I'm with him. It's true, now that I think about it, I've never yelled at him before, I'm too soft hearted maybe.

I just want to be by his side, be his life partner. He's so different now... it seems like every word from him are like knifes being thrown at my heart. Sometimes I cannot take the pressure and the emotions just overwhelm me. But I cannot tell him. Sometimes, he tells me, "don't tell me when you are in pain (like cramp or smth), because I don't care." I get very sad when he tells me something like this.

He's not my dream boyfriend, but why am I so attracted to him? Don't ask why.

colorstyle @ 2007-06-03T12:40:00

2007-06-03T04:41:39Z

u have to understand that he''s not the most... understanding and caring person on earth... do there's no need to cry... leave him alone, you're pestering him. PEST! I hate myself for being the worst gf in the world

colorstyle @ 2007-05-27T19:10:00

2007-05-27T11:31:12Z

Everyday without fail, he asks me to fuck off, or what the fuck I want from him? When I try to call him, he hangs up or ignores the call, followed by a sms, "wtf you want? ppl don't wan pick up means dun wan pick up right?". Then I'll cry until he talks to me again.

I'm worried, because he's always not eating and getting weak and tired because of his hypo. I didn't realise he never eat anything from morning to now. So I smsed him to tell him to get something to eat. He smsed me with "You got friggin 2 face is it? What was I doign jux now?" I was very confused, I didn't get what he meant... So i replied that I didn't understand. He has yet to reply me. I think he's irritated.

Everyday, I'm missing him so badly I cry. But he told me I'm bullshitting. Everytime I sms him that I love or miss him. He sms back, "Oh? You sms wrong person?" or "Yaya, whatever". It hurts a lot. I've always wanted him to sms back with a "I love/miss you too"... but I know him too well. He's not that type of person. Every night before I sleep, I just pray very very hard that, tonight, maybe I'll get a simple "gd night laopo" sms. My hopes... are mostly dashed. But every once in a while he does send me these type of sweet messages like he used to when I was in china... I break down and cry because I know I may not receive another 'sweet' message again for a long time. I know.. relationships aren't always sweet and all... but... it's just... every girl's dream to hear their prince tell them 'ILU' everyday.

Everytime I see him, I never fail to tell him that I want a hug. Because... the first time I met him, I... fell in love with the way he hugged me and kissed my forehead. It's warm and nice and it feels so right. Nowadays, he doesn't sms me with a 'good morning' like he used to anymore. I sms him and he replies with a 'ya?' or 'wad?'. It's ok that he's not like what he was in the past....

I remember the first time he hinted that he wanted to hold on hand... we were going to his hair dresser's salon. Then we saw a father and his daughter infront holding hands. So he told me he difference between couple's way of holding hands and the.. more family-type. He asked me, "You want to feel the difference?". Then, when he first put his hand aruond my waist, I kind of freaked out. lol... Then, the times when I was still in YJC, and we met at ang mo kio, and he walked me home, the walk took about 1 hour. But we would just hold hands and talk all the way home... I love it when he used to take the initiative to hold my hand instead of me...

I guess.. the sweet moments of the relationship is over.. haha... now I ask if he wants to meet me at ang mo kio, he doesn't want to beacuse he's lazy and the fare is expensive. But I understand... I really do.

He doesn't tell me where he is going either... like right now, he is at Whampoa, and here I am like an idiot waiting for him to reply at msn... hubby... i beg you, please tell me where you are going... I feel like you are including me into your life... You can tell Elsie things that you don't tell me, why? Why can't I be the person that you talk to when you are upset? Why msut you keep things from me? Why am I always the last to know what you are thinking or doing? You were always the first person I turn to when I'm sad and frustrated. But you just brush me off with a "....". Will you lend me your shoulder to cry on? Will you tell me things? Are you bored of me? That's why you always seem so irritated at short tempered at me. But so patient infront of other friends?

Before I even went out with you, you were so... sweet and kind... you always comforted me when I was sad... now you tell me you've been talking to Elsie a lot. You made me jealous because I know you will never talk to me the way you used to. Hubby? You made me doubt if you really love me. But the problem is that I know you do...

I often cry infront of him... I don't get why, I just do. When he's having hypo, I'm worried and I cry because I'm worried that something might happen to him when he's on the way home. But he thinks I'm full of nonsense. When he lectures me on something, I cry too, because he will raise his voice... and I get scared because I don't want him to be angry at me. Sometimes I hold on to his hand very tight because I'm afraid that he will let go. Sometimes I keep asking him to hug me because I want to go back to the time when he first hugged me in public at the MRT station... I can remember the smell of his colonge.

But I'm selfish... I always think about myself before I think of him... how can I be a good wife if I'm like that? I should always put him before myself. I know we cannot go back to the time where he will sweet talk me everyday. It's ok that he has never bought me anything except for a starwberry tart.

I don't want to cry lol... But I think I've never cried to much typing an entry before. I remember everything you said...

"I want to marry you at a cemetry"
"You full of nonsense leh *laughs*"
"Pussy.. I want hug hug"
"Why you so cute today?"

These sweet sentences that make me smile and feel like I'm truly in love... Will you say them to me once more? Will you keep to your promise?

"I swear I'll never leave you"

colorstyle @ 2007-05-25T12:03:00

2007-05-25T04:05:29Z

Im jealous. I really am. I see happy couples all around me... why cant lewis...

I'm just jealous.... all I wanted was a "i love you forever" but even that simple sentence... he can't say it

has he gotten bored of me? He doesn't even want to pick up my phone calls...

How can they be so happy when I'm heartbroken and shattered here alone?

colorstyle @ 2007-05-09T13:42:00

2007-05-09T05:42:40Z

hmm... been super busy (playing games)

colorstyle @ 2007-04-24T21:08:00

2007-04-24T13:10:30Z

colorstyle @ 2007-04-13T11:27:00

2007-04-13T03:26:38Z

I have like... nothing to say.... =(

colorstyle @ 2007-04-06T20:47:00

2007-04-06T12:47:12Z

Sorry for the trouble people, new blog @ http://showhouse.jugem.jp/

Relink if you want to, or else it's fine.

colorstyle @ 2007-04-03T12:41:00

2007-04-03T04:55:00Z

I went to bunku with kaiying yesterday (as sasa, of course?). I was playing and minding my own business when she suddenly "hello". I CHUA DIO IMMEDIATELY CAN? I literally jumped out of my seat. LOL! Okay la, helped with complete her level 22 license and went off early because some pug was still at home and apparently forgotton that we are going to bunk that day. How nice and puggy of him. I wonder who he is...

Okay, I'm going back to my visual kei craze! kagerou!! *Fangirl mode* I love their music can? Say can. Okay good.

I really want to highlight my hair with white+blonde+light brown stripes. But, I will look like a punk-wannabe-but-failed because I have baby face, I look like a kid (it's not funny when people think you are a 14 year old kid when you are 18). And Lewis doesn't like me with dyed hair, he prefers those more "traditional" and "lady-like" girls. Girls that wear skirts that are not mini-lenth (aka longer length skirts -.-), have long black hair, no revealing clothes, no vulgarities (not even shit or asshole), does the housechores. Yea, that type of women. LOL!

Oh well, I'll be going for my job interview as a waitress at DOME @ Bishan CC! Friend's recommendation. Hahaha! It'll be damn fun! Remember to come visit me during your free time if I get accepted! ;D

I bought my first Subway meal yesterday for lunch after bunk with kaiying. I was like, blur, because Lewis was like on the phone with me saying "help me buy this, that put honey mustard sauce, tomato and lettuce blablabla" and I was like bloody confused and embarrassed myself totally. -_-

W00t! I got angry at Lewis for the first time yesterday at his house. He bought WoW. Just to spite me. Because I bought Guild Wars. But I stopped playing because he told me he would play WoW if I played GW. So I stopped and now he went against his promise and bought WoW. I was just... angry then? I hit him and yelled at him. Then he went, "Eh, just joking, relax leh, I don't even have the coupon yet."

.... Buay Tahan him can? -_-

colorstyle @ 2007-04-01T20:07:00

2007-04-01T12:07:46Z

I totally bwg can?

colorstyle @ 2007-03-30T16:10:00

2007-03-30T08:11:41Z

Erm, I won't be replying to any sms from now on. If it is really that important, give me a call (and make it a fast call).

Latest bill $130. Mum very very angry.

Okay, so yea. Don't expect a reply if you happen to sms me.

colorstyle @ 2007-03-29T09:47:00

2007-03-29T02:01:44Z

This morning, my mom told me I've received a letter from NAFA.

I'm in. School starts at 23rd July. Job hunting going on.

Victor, welcome your shi mei / master splinter / monkay spanka to :

NAFA!!! xD

Oh shiet, Wi lost the cheque to pay for the credit card. I don't dare tell mummy? But I have to... I'm scared T_T

colorstyle @ 2007-03-28T20:52:00

2007-03-28T12:57:35Z

Siew siew is finally level 16!

Looking for open beta for this game: 2Moons

Been joking around with buda jie a lot these few days?

Lewis is slightly more patient then before. Don't know why.

I never see jer kor for a long time, where did he go?

NAFA starts in July, need to job hunt, anyone have lobang?

Been feeling upset recently, think it's pms.

I'm bored...

colorstyle @ 2007-03-27T13:18:00

2007-03-27T06:58:54Z

Let's follow kor's example and write about~ People!

Vampu Kor
Technically my di, but I like to call him kor so it's ok! He's my favouriteeeeee person that I know online and I love him to bits. Sorry I always vent anger on you! T__T Mei very impatient and emotional... ;(( But it's ok because we crap a lot! Why don't want come out meet me! I miss you! Why your chinese so good? I study like crazyyyy then get a B3, then you tell me you got A1 I very sadded. But it's ok ;D You got weird style of music, listen to those obiang china music. LOL, I don't even know if is china de. Nooo~~ ;( We are so different yet I still feel so close to you XD Opposites attract! XD Jia you with leaffu! ....leaf.... HMPF! >(

Jer Kor
Okay, you are a retard but it's ok because we all forgive you for being retarded, I mean, it's not your fault for being retarded. LMAO, just joking! I can't help but bully you =( So easy to bully! You need to stop buying gay clothes in AU. =X I don't know laaaaa, but I like chatting with you, cannot stop laughing... It's ok if you can't get along with some people, mei will always be here to support you! XD

Buda Jie
Technically, my kor, BUT!! I love you jie for so many reasons!!!

Jun Xian Bear
Well... according to Vic, when I'm down and upset, I can always find you for a bear hug or as a punching bag (size doesn't matter, skinny bears exist). You don't need remind me your girlfriend very chio because I know. =x Did you know I respect you a lot? Always so carefree and always in a joking manner. Chat with you can only laugh, can't even talk properly. Yes yes, I know you like to spank monkays, so do I ;DD Retro leader ftw!

Victor aka Jackie Chan
.... LMAO is the only... phrase I can use to describe this guy... TOTALLY (as in, really totally) random guy. Talk to him is really... random conversation. s1s2s3! Micheal Angelo gogogo! eUEHuehuEHUheh!

And of course... to my superd Audition friends like hammu, lemu, ashie, dollie, wawa, ky and taotao... KEEP UP THE GREAT JOB OF BEING A GREAT ENTERTAINER! Peng... never fail to make me laugh! Lei mao o)

Also, to my Priston Tale friends like Carine mei, aaron, calvin, zac, jia chee and darren, thank you for motivating me to level to 9x! But really no inspiration la! Haha!

To my school friends from secondary and JC, janice, vanessa, simyee, niccole, jesslyn, haimoi, puay yek, qiuyan, chris, ben, aidah, sheldon, darren, edmund, te seng, nick, wei xin and so much more, thanks for being with me, especially those that went through thick and thin with me in JC. Especially to BEN! Always there when you need him... guo ran shi wo men de da ge da! Good luck in your studies bro!

***

About me? I'm rather carefree and super emotional (like all girls). Hmm... people say I'm direct and fierce, I kind of agree. LOLOL! But I can be cute!! Like now!! ^_____________^!! Okay, enough bullshit. I like to pretend to be a guy and xian xiao mei meis in AU. 'Hehehe!! Xiao mei mei!! Guo lai kor kor zhe bian!!" Okay, I'm full of nonsense la, like what lewis always says.

Think I've forgotten about you darling Lewis?
Saving the best for the last! You... are the foundation of my life, despite all the hurt you've caused me. Despite me having to endure your bullshit, constant vulgarities and BAD HABITS, I love you forever! =D

colorstyle @ 2007-03-25T18:07:00

2007-03-25T10:50:41Z

Okay, this post will be... erm... audition screenshots post? Here we go!

Power Rangers! I'm white ranger, Tommy! XD

Kor's character- CurryChicken first for inter. compy! XD Medal tio scammed.

My baobei siew siew 1st for inter compy~ <3

Erm, wtf is this? everyone is stuck together (in order from front: tooty, me, hamu, vampu kor)

wtf hammu and me S/P/S LOL

Jer kor MJ-wannabe, PEDOPHILE!

Lemu - cockroach, Jer - retard

do-re-mi

._.

I don't know what dollie was thinking

You all witness jer kor typing saying he wants another 20 slaps

Yes taotao dear, we all know~

bwg

Taotao loves siewsiew~~~ <33333

yes ky, glad you admit it

lmao

>.> jie...

Jie never fails to crack me up XD

XDXD 1.33kk score!!

colorstyle @ 2007-03-24T23:22:00

2007-03-24T15:24:25Z

I miss victor, jun xian and calvin. I miss their kinkiness and monkay-spanking. They were the first to teach me how to spank people (and monkays), be kinky and be a retard yet sexy at the same time. ;((

When go ktv? ;(

Oh yes~

Happy 3rd month darling wi ^_^

colorstyle @ 2007-03-22T20:40:00

2007-03-22T12:45:51Z

I was bored. So I visited http://www.neopets.com, guess what, my very first account (consisting of 1 tomato chia, 1 rainbow shoyru, 1 transparent gelert and 1 baby shoyru) got deleted off the database of neopets.

...

._.

Okay, so I got banned because I think I tried to scam people (I had no freaking idea what made me scam people then). So now i went back to check out my account and they tell me the name doesn't exist.

...

._.

My baby neopets... Okay, emo, afk. Haha jay kay. Not funny.

Okay, my brain is going haywires.
I learnt that dogs have something along the lines of 'pimples' too (at least, according to the doctor). Okay, what the hell.

Bloody bored la wtf -.-

colorstyle @ 2007-03-21T22:52:00

2007-03-21T16:34:48Z

Today is Lewis dear's birthday! =D

We celebrated his birthday at Yuki no Yaki at Marina Square along with Lee Hua and Yi Fang. Ate like loads of food ~_~ And surprises, surprises! Lewis was the first to finish eating, followed by me, Yi Fang and lastly, Lee Hua. We wanted to watch a movie, sadly, my curfew prevented me from doing so... so I had to go home, with my 3 bodyguards. XD Lots of funny things happened while eating. Lee Hua was like... bloody joker lah, made me laugh and laugh and laugh so much! Here are some moments when we were laughing at nothing -_-

Lewis: *drinking soup* what the fuck, this is soup la!
Me: *looks at Lewis weirdly* Huh? What soup? Obviously it is soup la!
Lee Hua and Yi Fang: *silence* *looks at Lewis* *Looks at me* *burst out laughing*

***

Adults sitting behind us: HAHAHAHAHA! (they way they laugh really funny)
Lee Hua: *glance behind* MWUAHAHAHAHHAA!!! (trying to imitate them)
Lewis, Yi Fang, Me: *wtf expression* *LMFAO*

***

(In taxi)
Lewis: *turns head towards Lee Hua* *pretends to kiss him*
Lee Hua: *pretends to kiss back*
Yi Fang: Fuck, don't gay la!
Taxi driver: *am chio*

All in all, fun day =x

colorstyle @ 2007-03-19T22:30:00

2007-03-19T14:41:41Z

So many things happened =_=

MSN SUCKS! I CAN'T LOGIN 1 WEEK LIAO! E-BUDDY SUCKS TOO!! NO NUDGE ME!!! Things appear super big in e-buddy...

just for fun!

***

Went out with darling Diana today, spent a lot of time (and money) on food and his present. Vented troubles on Diana, thanks girl! For the support!

***

Played Audition with the gang as usual... damn ham and jadey keep making me laugh... and I have no idea why. Especially when the song called 'Bombay' came on. I don't know why but I find the song hilarious? ~_~ Don't know what I'm thinking lah. And buda Jie is super funny la, I don't know how he can be so sarcastic and funny at the same time. Vampu kor also XD All so cute

***

Something happened to jer kor... tense relationships... I feel uncomfortable myself... but let's just try to forget things and move on for the sake of others and ourselves >_< Dont' want this to drag on and get too serious... very tiring... =(

***

Speaking of which.... it's time to start on a new MMORPG! I'm getting bored of Audition already... So far I've tried out Scions of Fate, Granado Espada, Flyff, Corum Online, Rappelz... none of them seem to appeal to me. I've just found the right game, Priston Tale 2! But it's for koreans only -_- Bloody idiots, faster make a english version pl0x.

***

Oh? I ate a lot today for dinner? McDonalds and home-cooked dishes? Growing fat fat? ~_~ Whatever la!

colorstyle @ 2007-03-19T09:36:00

2007-03-19T01:42:31Z

LOL Oh shit! I'm in the mood to take neoprints. I know, I know, like what the fuck! Mel wants to take neoprints! That's a first! -_-

I wonder if Lewis would take some with me... I bet he won't. Bloody siaogina, suan me every single day, saying that I'm a butch, a tomyboy, bloody idiot, full of shit, bunch of nonsense... but he's so cute so I forgive him. And it would be funny to see him enter a print club or something, I don't think he will be mentally prepared to take photos surrounded by pink glittery stuff. >_>

Ah well, I'm not in school today... WHY? Because I quit school already -_-
When's the bloody NAFA letter arriving? -_- Too infuenced by Lewis... every thing is say is bloody.... -_-

By the way, Lewis played Audition last night. LMAO! Bloody owned by people he was playing with. Damn cute... sucka don't eat so much chilli next time... every single time you do, at night confirm lao sai. Asshole burning feeling so nice hor?

<3 you sucka~

Ever since I took on the joey personae, I've been feeling super hyper every single day... I have no idea why? I 'LOL' at every thing. Joey is affecting me...

hehehe!

(no, vamp kor has to stop influencing me to do the cheeky laughter... hehehehe!)

Read this reallllyyyy interesting blog, linked from Aidah's blog, her friend called Jiahe or something: http://untitledsimply.blogspot.com/

colorstyle @ 2007-03-18T23:03:00

2007-03-18T15:11:18Z

YES!!

I'm finally meeting up with my beloved Diana! We're going to Orchard tomorrow (when all the KIDDOS are mugging away in school) to shop for baby's birthday present (long-sleeved shirt -because he needs more formal wear- and a c0n -if you can guess what a c0n is-). Not really sure if I'll get formal wear for him... but it's true that he needs more shirts. I can memorise all the details in every single shirt of his. Firstly, the shirt is definately from Quicksilver, secondly, the shirt's style is rather... graffatti-like?

Ah well~

SJBs going strong in audition! Jadey (<3) scored 1kk in swan lake NPC. Was like blown away! me94 is as annoying as before. She needs to stfu before I stuff my CPU up her cb hole. -_- Okay, I'm being overboard ~_~ She's just really annoying, I swear! The ultimate endurance test.... me94.

3 more days to baby's birthday...

And it seems like I can lie pretty well, kai ying and gordon really believe me that I'm a guy? I feel a little guilty by lying to them. Lewis is now the girl and I'm the guy, everything sasa does is what Lewis actually did, if you get the drift. ~_~ Oh well.

colorstyle @ 2007-03-17T11:24:00

2007-03-17T03:27:13Z

Went out with Ham, jadey, dollie and jer kor yesterday? We went to bunk and played? I screwed up badly? Was so paiseh? After I left something happened? But we will pretend it never happened? Cover up our feelings of sadness?

Why people keep flirt with my joey SiewMai? This thai girl kept asking me pick her in club dance? She was so sad I didn't pick her? Because I use random? Can't she see I got partner? I can't flirt with her? But she keep want flirt with me? I du lan I left room? Then I now going to Lewis's house? I very hungry?

Okay? I go off now? Bye bye?

colorstyle @ 2007-03-16T10:25:00

2007-03-16T02:34:37Z

Going to Plaza Singapura with... Jer kor, lemu, dollie and... not sure who else. I wish vamp kor would go. Bloody lie to me T_T! I asked him some time ago if he would come out to meet me. He even asked me, "When"! That sentence made me so hopeful and happy! Now, it's a straight "no". Bloody liar. T_T Nevermind, I still love you! XD Leaffuu~~ I want to meet da sao! By the way, Jer kor's wife has to go. If I ever see her at bunk or something... prankmaster Mel will resurrect. She deserves a good smack in the back for being such a guai lan kia.

Speaking of guai lan kia. I think I'm becoming more and more guai lan. The first and second day of audition was alright, my skills were somewhat intact. The third and forth day... I can't say the same thing for them. I couldn't even manage a 130bpm 8k fm. My chance was weak and my hands were trembling throughout the game. The only time I did 'okay' was when I met strong competition and I felt motivated to press well. ~_~

Oh well, sooner or later I will improve. XD

I'm lazy to go out laaaaaaaaaa! T_T